Many thanks for your reply. Even after 18 years the pain has not and will not ever go away, you just become better able to cope and it’s easier to put on your “public face”; we become excellent actors for the benefit of those who just don’t/want to understand because they have never ‘worn our shoes’. Even my dear Mother (now deceased) mentioned that I wasn’t the same person, that I had changed, of course I’d changed, I had no choice, my whole world tilted sideways, and nothing would ever be the same.
My daughter is now married with a 9 year-old daughter (Niamh Keara), and she has made certain that though Niamh never saw her Uncle Justin she knows everything about him, she even has a photograph of him on her bedside table, she says he watches over her and keeps her safe, and she’s so very like him, not in looks, but her outlook on life.
I still light a candle for Justin every night, it’s my way of keeping reasonably normal, others would probably think I’m insane, but I just don’t care.
The bereaved Mother you mention is so very right, and the hardest times are Birthdays and Anniversaries, you seem to spiral into a very dark place, my daughter calls these “Bad Justin days”.
Hugs back to you and your lovely Joel.
Posted: 29 November, 2012
Happy Birthday Justin.
Wendy, heartfelt thoughts to you and your family on the loss of your beautiful Justin and thank you for posting your thoughts.
My experience after 5 years is that the pain has lessened, although I wouldn’t imagine it ever going away. How can the pain go away when we lose something as precious as our child. A bereaved mother I met said to me that it hurts so much because we loved so much.
I would describe my life now as a ‘new normal’ – my son Joel is never out of my thoughts. I am now at the point where I try to live the best life I can for my family still here - nonetheless I will miss Joel every minute of every day until the day I join him, and that's not to say the road is smooth...
Posted: 28 November, 2012
Wendy & Tony Duffy
Justin passed away at the age of 20 from HOCM and all we have to say is that it just gets longer not better...these words are especially for him.
"Time heals wounds they say.
Time takes the pain away.
I wonder why it never happend for us.
Thou' it's years since you went away,
We miss you night and day,
Why you had to go is a mystery for us."
To our beautiful Son/Brother Justin (Duffman) on his 39th Birthday.
Mum, Dad and Sister Vanessa
Posted: 27 November, 2012
Joy - The Compassionate Friends Qld Inc.
Please accept our sincere condolonces on the loss of your beautiful daughter Nicole. To have your child die is tragic enough but to have them die in a country so far from home must be so extremely difficult in so many aspects. It has only been 4 weeks since you last saw Nicole and as you said the reality of never seeing her again causes pain that is so unbearable you wonder how you will survive. Julie you will survive even though at the moment you may not want to or even think you can, you will. The answer to your question how do we deal with this pain that will never leave us is - it will leave you, but not for sometime because our pain is the proof of the love we have for our child and eventually the pain softens but never entirely goes away. Your daughter Kate will also find a way to get through this but in a different way to you, with the loss of Nicole, Kate has lost someone who she could share all her childhood memories with when she grew older and the loss of their future together and siblings can often be the forgotten grievers. Julie if you would like to contact us on 3254 2657 we would like to send you a package of literature that may be helpful as you find your way through this tragic time in your lives. As a mother who has had two children die I have found that only those who have walked this path can truly understand our loss.
Caring and Heartfel thoughts
Posted: 19 November, 2012
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